A bad day

I’m not in good shape today. I’ve been doing so well, and I actually thought I was fine and then randomly out of nowhere the tears started and now they won’t stop.

I had a dream last night that woke me. I was in a hospital bed, unable to move, surrounded by scared children who I had to protect from some sinister figure lurking on the ward. I was meant to keep them safe but I couldn’t stop them from running off into danger, I couldn’t stop them from being snatched away. I was completely powerless. I suppose if that’s where my mind is right now it’s no wonder I’m having such a hard day today. I know it’ll pass, I know it’ll get easier. I know it’s just a bad day. I also know I have to live through the bad days to get to the good days, but that doesn’t make any of this any easier.



It was confirmed this morning. The positives to take from this morning’s appointment were that no intervention was needed. My body has very efficiently done what it should. Not that it feels all that positive.

It was also a very different experience to the last time. A different hospital this time, and frankly, a much better one. We were treated with care, kindness and compassion which makes such a difference. The lady we spoke to after the scan gave us lots of good advice, lots of reassurance that despite having another miscarriage there’s no additional risk that it could happen again, and the fact that in between the two losses we had Arthur is reassuring in itself. The scan also showed that everything looks healthy and normal so as shitty as it is, this miscarriage was just one of those things.

I’ve been holding it together pretty well all week (or maybe just bottling it up, who knows) but I really feel it today. I’m sad. I’m angry. I want my baby.

Life’s not very fair sometimes.

Here we are again

7 weeks pregnant tomorrow, but not. I’ve been bleeding since Sunday. Mother’s Day. And my Birthday. Talk about Mother Nature being cruel.

More cruel yet is that I’m still suffering with morning sickness and dizziness. I still feel pregnant.

It doesn’t feel like last time. I don’t have that empty feeling this time, I don’t have the physical pain I had last time. It’s confusing and giving me what is likely to be false hope. I’m not a crying mess, I’m not consumed by the pain of it all. I don’t really feel anything but confused.

For now we play the waiting game until my scan appointment Friday morning. I only hope that it’s straight forward and unambiguous. I just want it done now. Gone.

One year on. 

Yesterday marked one year since that horrible 12 week scan and what was to be the start of the worst week of my life. I try not to dwell on it, as dwelling does no good, so I spent the day doing normal everyday stuff. I went to the dentist, met some friends for coffee and had my hair done. And it was ok. 

I’d be lying if I said my mind didn’t wander, but I needed to be busy and wanted not to dwell on things that can’t be changed. I think I succeeded in that. 

So, a year on and a lot has changed. The miscarriage association are still plugging away doing a terrific job of helping and supporting those who suffer a loss, and I had the pleasure of an email from lovely Ruth (to use her full name) a couple of weeks ago updating me on the latest with the educational videos I talked about in a blog post months ago. The videos have been made and are being rolled out to GP’s, Ultrasound technicians and anyone else likely to come in to contact with a woman suffering a miscarriage, any time now. I’m really glad I was able to offer some insight for this project and so pleased that it’s come to fruition. I sincerely hope it has the effect we all hope it will. 

On a personal level, although my loss still at times feels very recent and very raw it was in actual fact a whole year ago now. In that year I’ve got a new house, new job, got engaged, and of course welcomed little Arthur in to the world safe and well. I’m thankful and very lucky to have all that I have, I know that, and I try very hard not to take any of it for granted. Do I still wonder what that baby would have looked like? Of course. Do I still long for him or her? Absolutely. But then I remind myself that I wouldn’t have had Arthur, and he is pretty awesome so I choose to focus on that on the tough days. 

Although this is a morbid anniversary, I felt I needed to mark it somehow. Just let the universe know that I haven’t forgotten. Will never forget. Here seems as good a place as any to do that since here is where my recovery began really. Here is where I found unending support and understanding, here I found friends accross the world. We dragged each other through those awful times, and celebrated together through the happy times. Let’s hope there are more happy times to come for all of us. 

Cracking up…

I think I’m losing the plot.

I’m 37 weeks and I CAN’T STOP CRYING. Like at all. For three straight days now. I know hormones are probably going a bit mental at this stage and Dr Google (I know, I know, don’t judge me I’m desperate) says that all the crying could mean labour is imminent so it’s *probably* normal…but I’m really anxious. What if it’s not normal? What if there’s something wrong? What if this is a sign I’m going to struggle with the dreaded PND? 

Paul is, as ever, being very sweet and thoughtful and doing his best to make me feel better but I just feel like nothing is working. 

I brought my maternity leave forward a week and so I finished work on Friday…I’m wondering if that’s partly what’s got me all in a state. I really enjoy work. I like going to the office, I like being around everyone and having a purpose and a distraction from whatever else is going on in my life. I guess I’m feeling a bit lost. A bit lonely too maybe. But mostly I’m scared and I can’t even really tell you what I’m scared of, just that I feel scared. And sad. And anxious. 

The aches and pains and niggles I’m having more frequently now are all too reminiscent of the physical pains of miscarriage and that’s definitely not helping with the whole being upset thing either, even though logically I know that it probably means I’ll get to meet my little man soon I’m worried that he’s not going to get here safe and sound. I don’t know why. I thought I was well past the anxiety of losing another baby but it seems to have come back with a vengeance this last few days. I had a bit of a fall on Saturday that scared me – it wasn’t anything serious and I’m absolutely fine and so is baby, but I can’t shake the feeling that it could’ve been much worse and that I could’ve lost him. That in itself is ridiculous! Why am I worrying about something that DIDN’T HAPPEN?! 

Maybe I just need to have a word with myself. Yes I feel like I’m out of control, yes I feel overwhelmed, yes I’m in a constant state of crying and worrying…but maybe I’m supposed to be? After all, I am about to experience the single most monumental thing I can experience so I guess it makes sense that it’s all a bit much when you think of it in those terms. 

It’ll all be worth it. 

Baby Shower! 

Last weekend was my baby shower which my gorgeous best friend Dee arranged for me and it honestly couldn’t have been more lovely. There was plenty of delicious food, lots of my favourite people, and an overwhelming amount of practical, thoughtful and beautiful gifts for our little man, as well as some for mum and dad too! Lucky us! It was exactly what I’d have chosen had I been arranging it myself – tasteful and elegant. Not that I ever doubt Dee’s ability to know exactly what I want. She’s good like that! 

It was such a lovely day (although I was completely exhausted by the end of it!) that left Paul and I feeling so thankful for all the wonderful people we have in our lives. It wasn’t just the overwhelming generosity of our family and friends, but also having those people there who’d seen us through our loss and are so thrilled and excited for us to be welcoming our little boy in just a matter of weeks now. It means a lot to know we have so much unwavering support during the bad times as well as the good, and reminds me how fortunate we are that we’re bringing this baby in to such a loving and supportive extended family. He is one lucky boy. 

Since the baby shower I’ve had my consultant referral. We’ve been measuring a week ahead since 28 weeks so we were referred by the midwife for a growth scan. I was ready to burst with the excitement of seeing him again…but he had other ideas and only showed us his bum!!! (He’s definitely going to be mischievous!) everything was totally normal though (thankfully!) and he already weighed 4lb 4oz at 32 weeks. I think it’s safe to assume he’ll be a real chunk by the time he arrives! 

So that’s my little update for you all, we’re all happy and healthy and just on countdown now to actually meeting the little man. 7 weeks to go! 😆 

Stressful week 

This week hasn’t been much fun. I had blood tests Tuesday (standard 28 week appointment stuff) that were a nightmare beginning to end! I’ve never been great with needles at the best of times, not helped by the fact that I have very thin veins so it’s always a pain in the butt trying to get blood out of me. Long (and slightly gruesome) story short, the end result was me camped out on my sofa all afternoon feeling light headed and woozy instead of rushing back to work as I’d intended. I also have some rather fetching heroin chic needle marks and bruises on both arms. Lovely. 

Then on Wednesday while I was in work it got to mid morning and I came over all faint again. I work with a team of men who are all freaked out enough by the prospect of me giving birth under my desk like the office cat or something (bless them) so they went in to panic mode as soon as I mentioned feeling a bit off. Fainting and feeling faint I’m told is perfectly normal during pregnancy so I didn’t worry too much about it until it didn’t pass after a good 20 minutes. I’d also been having cramps on and off since the Friday before. I didn’t really think anything of them, and just put it down to Braxton Hicks as they weren’t especially painful, more uncomfortable than anything. Sort of feeling like a very mild period pain. The midwife at my appointment the day before though had told me off for not getting them checked out when they were bad Friday night and had said if they stated again to head straight to the hospital for monitoring. With that in mind I thought it best I call the antenatal unit and just check with them. Initially they told me to take paracetamol and see if that helped and if not to call back. Honestly I didn’t think this was great advice. Paracetamol may have masked the feeling of the cramps (it didn’t actually) but I could still have been having them and been none the wiser. But hey, I’m not a doctor so what do I know?! So I wasn’t overly impressed with that response and I argued with them a little bit to try and get something more helpful out of them but they were having none of it. I took the paracetamol and drank plenty of water and just sat still for a while. I gave it 40 minutes before phoning back to say I still didn’t feel right and was still suffering with the cramps, at which point I was told to come in. 

I was strapped to a couple of monitors, one for baby’s heartbeat and one for contractions, and just had to lie there for 30 minutes of monitoring. Baby’s heartbeat seemed strong and loud (although the little monkey wouldn’t stay still so Paul had to chase him around with the monitor to keep his heartbeat recording!) and I was feeling fine other than having the cramps. Eventually we saw a Very lovely Dr who asked lots of questions; had I had any fluid leaks? Any blood loss? Could I describe the cramps? Did I feel otherwise well? Had I suffered a miscarriage or premature labour before? Was baby still active? We answered the questions and waited for her diagnosis. She was concerned it could’ve been premature labour, so mentioned the possibility of steroids to help speed up development of baby’s lungs but wanted to go and check with a consultant. We waited a little longer and then she reappeared with this oh so clever test (I’m a bit of a nerd so was really excited about this!) it’s basically a swab that tests for a particular protein that your body only produces when you’re about to go in to labour. The theory being that if it came back positive then they’d pump me full of steroids, and if it came back negative then it wasn’t premature labour. I was fascinated! So we did the test and it came back negative, hurrah! They ran some other normal tests, urine samples, blood pressure etc and everything was peachy! We spent all afternoon at the hospital worried that something horrible was happening, but in the end it was all just a false alarm. I’m still having the cramps on and off and we still don’t know what they are but the Dr wasn’t worried and her best guess is that baby’s growing so much now that it could just be muscles stretching and causing discomfort. I’m keeping an eye on it though, and if I have any other symptoms or the cramps get worse I’m to go back. 

I have to say, the boys in my team were great. Very sweet and very caring (all carefully hidden under a cloak of sarcasm and piss taking of course) and have been looking after me all week. Us pregnant ladies are sometimes very quick to say men don’t understand or that they’re a bit useless but honestly, I was very impressed and touched by their concern. And of course Paul was the calming and rational influence I always need in a stressful situation too. He is going to be such a great dad. 😊 

So, that was my eventful week! I’m hoping for some calm and quiet now so I can look forward to my baby shower (now only 3 weeks away) and seeing all my lovely friends in one place. Plus there’s going to be cake and plenty of it which is never a bad thing! 

Wednesday did give me a kick up the bum though, I hadn’t even really thought about my hospital bag until then but the prospect of giving birth earlier than planned has given me the nudge I needed so I’m now on top of all things hospital bag! The nursery is ready and waiting and we’ve got most of the big stuff we need sorted, so I’m starting to feel calmer and more ready now. 

Anyway, here’s a video of the little man having a good old wriggle. This last few days he’s been non stop – something tells me he’s going to keep me on my toes!