One year on. 

Yesterday marked one year since that horrible 12 week scan and what was to be the start of the worst week of my life. I try not to dwell on it, as dwelling does no good, so I spent the day doing normal everyday stuff. I went to the dentist, met some friends for coffee and had my hair done. And it was ok. 

I’d be lying if I said my mind didn’t wander, but I needed to be busy and wanted not to dwell on things that can’t be changed. I think I succeeded in that. 

So, a year on and a lot has changed. The miscarriage association are still plugging away doing a terrific job of helping and supporting those who suffer a loss, and I had the pleasure of an email from lovely Ruth (to use her full name) a couple of weeks ago updating me on the latest with the educational videos I talked about in a blog post months ago. The videos have been made and are being rolled out to GP’s, Ultrasound technicians and anyone else likely to come in to contact with a woman suffering a miscarriage, any time now. I’m really glad I was able to offer some insight for this project and so pleased that it’s come to fruition. I sincerely hope it has the effect we all hope it will. 

On a personal level, although my loss still at times feels very recent and very raw it was in actual fact a whole year ago now. In that year I’ve got a new house, new job, got engaged, and of course welcomed little Arthur in to the world safe and well. I’m thankful and very lucky to have all that I have, I know that, and I try very hard not to take any of it for granted. Do I still wonder what that baby would have looked like? Of course. Do I still long for him or her? Absolutely. But then I remind myself that I wouldn’t have had Arthur, and he is pretty awesome so I choose to focus on that on the tough days. 

Although this is a morbid anniversary, I felt I needed to mark it somehow. Just let the universe know that I haven’t forgotten. Will never forget. Here seems as good a place as any to do that since here is where my recovery began really. Here is where I found unending support and understanding, here I found friends accross the world. We dragged each other through those awful times, and celebrated together through the happy times. Let’s hope there are more happy times to come for all of us. 

For my girls 

  Peri and Dee are my oldest friends. More like sisters really. The friendship we have is pretty special and very rare and I know all three of us will never take it for granted. We grew up together all living in the same street, the street where our parents still all live and 25 years later, one of us married, one of us living in Sussex and one of us going on this terrifying and tumultuous journey to parenthood we’re still every bit as close. 

I’ve decided to blog about them because they’re part of my story too and last night for the first time in I can’t even remember how long, the 3 of us got together without our other halves and had dinner. It was nothing fancy, I cooked and we stayed in, but it was just what I needed. 

From the minute I got the awful news that my baby was gone, it was Dee that took charge. She sent a message around to the people who knew I was pregnant and let them know so that I didn’t have to. Everyone sent me thoughtful messages just so I knew they were thinking of me, but beyond that, it was Dee that they spoke to for updates on how I was doing. She was sort of like the PA for grief, taking calls and fielding questions. I don’t know how to express how much of a difference she made, but she did and she knows I love her for it. Both girls checked in on me daily and did everything they could to try and help. Peri being far away probably felt especially helpless, but she was there for me every step of the way. I never once questioned her love and support. 

My girls were so excited to be aunties and honestly, they’d have been brilliant. They were devastated at the news too, and both have cried with me. Both wished they could take away the pain and make it all better. Unfortunately nobody can take away that pain, but what they did for me during those darkest days means so much. Peri suddenly became practical (anyone who’s met her knows this is most out of character!) cleaning my kitchen (yes really! Peri, cleaning!) and buying me new clothes and underwear that didn’t remind me of being pregnant. Dee got me new pyjamas for the same reason, and then since I was camped out on the sofa for weeks, also got me a beautiful blanket to wrap myself up in. She and her lovely husband also got us a gift voucher for a beautiful hotel in Penarth for an overnight stay with food and spa treatments so that when we were feeling up to it, we could have a bit of pampering after all we’d been through. So that’s where we’re going tonight and honestly we can’t wait! We both opted for an hour long full body massage that I think will do us both some good. My poor body has been through a lot this last few months so a bit of TLC is just what the doctor ordered. 

Last night we talked about our loss, we talked about what might’ve been. I’m so glad that these two girls know how important it is for me to talk about my baby. I totally get that people don’t know how to talk to you when you’ve lost your child, everyone’s afraid to say the wrong thing or upset you, and as a result they just pretend it never happened. I have to say, I’ve been very lucky in that respect as most people are in my life have found a way to talk about it with me, but I’m well aware that isn’t the case for everyone. What my girls seem to just instinctively know is that talking about it isn’t a bad thing. Even if I get upset and have a cry, that’s ok. It’s not them upsetting me, it’s the situation that’s upsetting. They get that, and so we talk, and it helps. So if you know someone who’s gone through a similar experience, please don’t be afraid to talk to them about it. Please don’t feel you have to pretend that they were never pregnant because frankly, that’s just insulting. Tell them you’re sad for them, tell them you’re sorry. You really don’t need to say anything else. A hug and a sympathetic ear is perfect. 

I wish everyone had friends like Dee and Peri – I really think the world would be a better place for it. I’m so glad they’re in my life, and so glad that after all these years of friendship and living apart that they’re always there, no matter what. 

Whatever comes next in my story I know I’ll be ok. I’ve got an amazing family, and two of the best friends a girl could ask for looking out for me every step of the way. 

So girls, thank you. Not for anything in particular (because there’s too much to list!) but just for being you. I love you both xxx