Cracking up…

I think I’m losing the plot.

I’m 37 weeks and I CAN’T STOP CRYING. Like at all. For three straight days now. I know hormones are probably going a bit mental at this stage and Dr Google (I know, I know, don’t judge me I’m desperate) says that all the crying could mean labour is imminent so it’s *probably* normal…but I’m really anxious. What if it’s not normal? What if there’s something wrong? What if this is a sign I’m going to struggle with the dreaded PND? 

Paul is, as ever, being very sweet and thoughtful and doing his best to make me feel better but I just feel like nothing is working. 

I brought my maternity leave forward a week and so I finished work on Friday…I’m wondering if that’s partly what’s got me all in a state. I really enjoy work. I like going to the office, I like being around everyone and having a purpose and a distraction from whatever else is going on in my life. I guess I’m feeling a bit lost. A bit lonely too maybe. But mostly I’m scared and I can’t even really tell you what I’m scared of, just that I feel scared. And sad. And anxious. 

The aches and pains and niggles I’m having more frequently now are all too reminiscent of the physical pains of miscarriage and that’s definitely not helping with the whole being upset thing either, even though logically I know that it probably means I’ll get to meet my little man soon I’m worried that he’s not going to get here safe and sound. I don’t know why. I thought I was well past the anxiety of losing another baby but it seems to have come back with a vengeance this last few days. I had a bit of a fall on Saturday that scared me – it wasn’t anything serious and I’m absolutely fine and so is baby, but I can’t shake the feeling that it could’ve been much worse and that I could’ve lost him. That in itself is ridiculous! Why am I worrying about something that DIDN’T HAPPEN?! 

Maybe I just need to have a word with myself. Yes I feel like I’m out of control, yes I feel overwhelmed, yes I’m in a constant state of crying and worrying…but maybe I’m supposed to be? After all, I am about to experience the single most monumental thing I can experience so I guess it makes sense that it’s all a bit much when you think of it in those terms. 

It’ll all be worth it. 

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Father’s Day 

Paul became a daddy the second we found out we were pregnant. He’s always been caring and supportive, but as soon as there was a little life growing he became more focused, more attentive, and an even more amazing man than the one I’d fallen in love with. He was every bit as devastated as I was when we lost that baby, but never, not once, did he give up on me or on us. His support during that time was amazing. He was my strength when I had none, and he took all my crying and my anger even though he was no doubt feeling all those same things himself. He’s been a daddy ever since then. 

Today is Father’s Day. His first Father’s Day, and even though our little man hasn’t arrived yet, the love that Paul showers him already is a magnificent thing to behold. I will so miss seeing Paul kiss, talk to, and rub my bump affectionately but I’m so ready now to see him with our son in his arms. I know he’s going to be the luckiest little boy to have Paul in his life because I know I’m the luckiest woman to have him by my side. 

So this one is for Paul. The best man I know, and the best dad to be there is. 

We love you xxx 

A quick update 


Just a quick update for the ladies I was chatting with last night to let you all know that it was a false alarm. (Little bit disappointed if I’m honest, I really thought I’d be coming home with my little man!) I had plenty of monitoring and an internal to check and although he is very low in my pelvis, I’m not dilating yet. The pains I’ve been having I just need to keep an eye on. So all is well and he’s going to cook a bit longer before making his appearance which can only be a good thing. 😊 I’m still convinced that I won’t go to 40 weeks but for now it’s business as usual. Just as well really since I’m back in work tomorrow!! 🙈 

Thanks for all the lovely messages and good luck wishes. I will, as ever, keep you posted. X

On countdown… 


35 weeks and counting! I can’t believe how quickly this pregnancy has gone. I’m going to miss it so much!

I’m still feeling pretty good and actually for the last week I’ve slept so well, which makes a huge difference. It seems like since I got pregnant sleep has been my enemy. I’ve regularly woken any time between 1am – 4am and then had to go and do a full day’s work and function as a real human being. While I’m sure this is great practice for the early days of motherhood, it certainly didn’t feel great so being able to sleep through until 7 or 8 is pure bliss now!

I have religiously applied all manner of lotions and potions to my bump since the very beginning in the vain hope that I’d avoid or at least minimise stretch marks…and I felt quite smug that it seemed to be working. Until the last couple of weeks that is when a bunch of ugly red stretch marks appeared all across my lower belly. Yuck. They aren’t very pretty and I can’t say I love that aspect of my bump or pregnancy, however they are a small price to pay for a healthy and happy little boy so I try not to dwell on it too much. They’ll fade with time and frankly, I’ve never had a gorgeous flat stomach anyway so it’s no great loss I guess! 

Over the last few days I’ve had the feeling that something is happening. I’ve had a terrible backache for the last week, which seems to be getting tighter and more uncomfortable each day, I’ve also had period like pains for the last few days and nausea and dizziness on and off. I feel like my cervix is achey too…I don’t know how else to describe it other than a bit like that ache you get inside when you have your period. Obviously I’ve consulted Dr Google and it seems that either this is totally normal pregnancy stuff, or the very early stages of labour. So as usual googling really wasn’t any help! I’m seeing my midwife in the morning so I’ll run it all past her and see what she says. I haven’t felt like there’s anything wrong, and little man is still wriggling around plenty so he’s happy enough and honestly, I think when I mention it to my midwife she’ll send me in to hospital *just in case* and since she’s likely to send me tomorrow anyway for another growth scan (we’ve gone from measuring big to measuring small) I don’t think there’s much point ringing now and spending two days in hospital, probably unnecessarily. So unless I start getting regular contractions or my waters go I’m happy enough to stay put, get massages from Paul and sitting on my birthing ball! I only hope I can stay this calm throughout labour and delivery! 

So, on to the things I’m looking forward to after giving birth! I have so enjoyed being pregnant, and once I’d finally stopped stressing about the possibility of another miscarriage I eased in to pregnancy and found the whole thing (yes even those icky stretch marks) a real joy. That said, I have missed being able to eat pâte, pink steak, blue/goats cheeses and of course drinking a lovely big glass of wine. I am going to stock my fridge with all these lovely things and thoroughly enjoy tucking in as soon as I get home from the hospital! I also can’t wait to see my little man in all his cute little outfits. I’m so excited to meet him now and see who he looks like. I know it’s going to be hard, and a very steep learning curve but we have so much support and help if/when we need it that I’m really not worried. I think we’ll do just fine. 😊

I’m sooooo excited and impatient to meet him! Hurry up little man! 💙 

Baby Shower! 


Last weekend was my baby shower which my gorgeous best friend Dee arranged for me and it honestly couldn’t have been more lovely. There was plenty of delicious food, lots of my favourite people, and an overwhelming amount of practical, thoughtful and beautiful gifts for our little man, as well as some for mum and dad too! Lucky us! It was exactly what I’d have chosen had I been arranging it myself – tasteful and elegant. Not that I ever doubt Dee’s ability to know exactly what I want. She’s good like that! 

It was such a lovely day (although I was completely exhausted by the end of it!) that left Paul and I feeling so thankful for all the wonderful people we have in our lives. It wasn’t just the overwhelming generosity of our family and friends, but also having those people there who’d seen us through our loss and are so thrilled and excited for us to be welcoming our little boy in just a matter of weeks now. It means a lot to know we have so much unwavering support during the bad times as well as the good, and reminds me how fortunate we are that we’re bringing this baby in to such a loving and supportive extended family. He is one lucky boy. 

Since the baby shower I’ve had my consultant referral. We’ve been measuring a week ahead since 28 weeks so we were referred by the midwife for a growth scan. I was ready to burst with the excitement of seeing him again…but he had other ideas and only showed us his bum!!! (He’s definitely going to be mischievous!) everything was totally normal though (thankfully!) and he already weighed 4lb 4oz at 32 weeks. I think it’s safe to assume he’ll be a real chunk by the time he arrives! 

So that’s my little update for you all, we’re all happy and healthy and just on countdown now to actually meeting the little man. 7 weeks to go! 😆 

30 weeks 


30 weeks already. Wow. I feel like time is doing some weird thing where it feels painfully slow and way too fast all at the same time! 

Looking back on my pregnancy so far, I realise I’ve been really lucky to stay so well. A lot of my friends seem to have had one problem after another – that’s got to hamper your enjoyment of being pregnant, and I was adamant I was going to enjoy every single second of this. I’ve had bad weeks of course, I’ve felt terrible, and I’ve had some real scares but on the whole I’ve felt fit and well and this weekend I’ve felt amazing. (Probably something to do with the 10 hour sleep Friday night and the week-

long headache I’d had finally going!) 

I have, however, had quite a lot of negative comments from total strangers about how big I am or how I must be carrying twins etc and although I don’t give a damn what these people think, and I know both myself and my son are happy and healthy it can be hard not to take these comments to heart. I’ve never been especially comfortable with my body. I’ve never been one of these people who doesn’t have to think about weight gain. I’ve had to work hard at eating well and working out in order to get a body I didn’t hate. So as much as I know that right now my size is all about nurturing my growing child, it isn’t easy to keep my mind from thinking I’m fat. It’s so easy to feel fat, frumpy and unattractive isn’t it?

Yesterday a friend of mine tagged me in a Facebook post. A local photographer is looking for a pregnant lady to photograph for her online portfolio and my friend thought I’d be interested. I sent a quick message to the photographer and it turns out she’s looking to do a very specific photo shoot…in the bath, with lots of flowers and pretty colours. The photograph would totally focus on bump. 

I absolutely love this idea! 

So I’ve volunteered to do it. Being photographed in the bath is not something I’d have ever dreamt of before, but I love the idea of having this beautiful bump picture that I can always look back on and one day show my little man. I’m actually really excited for this and can’t wait to share the pictures with you all when they’re done. 

That was yesterday morning, then yesterday afternoon as I was leaving the hospital after visiting my nan I got chatting to a lovely couple who were also visiting a relative. They commented on how elegant and beautiful I looked and how pregnancy obviously agreed with me.  In fact my favourite compliment from them was “you look magnificently pregnant!” It is so refreshing to having such lovely comments from total strangers that I was really touched by it. They really made my day! In actual fact, I’d been a bit upset leaving my nan as she was very down and quite distressed. Paul was lovely with her, but that only served to upset me more (because I cry at the drop of a hat at the best of times!) so to then come out and have this lovely couple say such lovely things, it really gave me a boost. 

The truth is, I do feel “magnificently pregnant”! I feel proud to be able to nurture this tiny person because I know firsthand how awful it is to feel that you can’t. People will always open their mouths without engaging their brains, and people will thrust their opinions on you whether you’ve asked for them or not. I guess the trick is to keep in mind everything you’ve been through to get to this place. They don’t know what you’ve been through, they don’t know how much this means and ultimately their opinions don’t matter one little bit. 

My new mantra: “I am not fat. I am magnificently pregnant!” 

Stressful week 

This week hasn’t been much fun. I had blood tests Tuesday (standard 28 week appointment stuff) that were a nightmare beginning to end! I’ve never been great with needles at the best of times, not helped by the fact that I have very thin veins so it’s always a pain in the butt trying to get blood out of me. Long (and slightly gruesome) story short, the end result was me camped out on my sofa all afternoon feeling light headed and woozy instead of rushing back to work as I’d intended. I also have some rather fetching heroin chic needle marks and bruises on both arms. Lovely. 

Then on Wednesday while I was in work it got to mid morning and I came over all faint again. I work with a team of men who are all freaked out enough by the prospect of me giving birth under my desk like the office cat or something (bless them) so they went in to panic mode as soon as I mentioned feeling a bit off. Fainting and feeling faint I’m told is perfectly normal during pregnancy so I didn’t worry too much about it until it didn’t pass after a good 20 minutes. I’d also been having cramps on and off since the Friday before. I didn’t really think anything of them, and just put it down to Braxton Hicks as they weren’t especially painful, more uncomfortable than anything. Sort of feeling like a very mild period pain. The midwife at my appointment the day before though had told me off for not getting them checked out when they were bad Friday night and had said if they stated again to head straight to the hospital for monitoring. With that in mind I thought it best I call the antenatal unit and just check with them. Initially they told me to take paracetamol and see if that helped and if not to call back. Honestly I didn’t think this was great advice. Paracetamol may have masked the feeling of the cramps (it didn’t actually) but I could still have been having them and been none the wiser. But hey, I’m not a doctor so what do I know?! So I wasn’t overly impressed with that response and I argued with them a little bit to try and get something more helpful out of them but they were having none of it. I took the paracetamol and drank plenty of water and just sat still for a while. I gave it 40 minutes before phoning back to say I still didn’t feel right and was still suffering with the cramps, at which point I was told to come in. 

I was strapped to a couple of monitors, one for baby’s heartbeat and one for contractions, and just had to lie there for 30 minutes of monitoring. Baby’s heartbeat seemed strong and loud (although the little monkey wouldn’t stay still so Paul had to chase him around with the monitor to keep his heartbeat recording!) and I was feeling fine other than having the cramps. Eventually we saw a Very lovely Dr who asked lots of questions; had I had any fluid leaks? Any blood loss? Could I describe the cramps? Did I feel otherwise well? Had I suffered a miscarriage or premature labour before? Was baby still active? We answered the questions and waited for her diagnosis. She was concerned it could’ve been premature labour, so mentioned the possibility of steroids to help speed up development of baby’s lungs but wanted to go and check with a consultant. We waited a little longer and then she reappeared with this oh so clever test (I’m a bit of a nerd so was really excited about this!) it’s basically a swab that tests for a particular protein that your body only produces when you’re about to go in to labour. The theory being that if it came back positive then they’d pump me full of steroids, and if it came back negative then it wasn’t premature labour. I was fascinated! So we did the test and it came back negative, hurrah! They ran some other normal tests, urine samples, blood pressure etc and everything was peachy! We spent all afternoon at the hospital worried that something horrible was happening, but in the end it was all just a false alarm. I’m still having the cramps on and off and we still don’t know what they are but the Dr wasn’t worried and her best guess is that baby’s growing so much now that it could just be muscles stretching and causing discomfort. I’m keeping an eye on it though, and if I have any other symptoms or the cramps get worse I’m to go back. 

I have to say, the boys in my team were great. Very sweet and very caring (all carefully hidden under a cloak of sarcasm and piss taking of course) and have been looking after me all week. Us pregnant ladies are sometimes very quick to say men don’t understand or that they’re a bit useless but honestly, I was very impressed and touched by their concern. And of course Paul was the calming and rational influence I always need in a stressful situation too. He is going to be such a great dad. 😊 

So, that was my eventful week! I’m hoping for some calm and quiet now so I can look forward to my baby shower (now only 3 weeks away) and seeing all my lovely friends in one place. Plus there’s going to be cake and plenty of it which is never a bad thing! 

Wednesday did give me a kick up the bum though, I hadn’t even really thought about my hospital bag until then but the prospect of giving birth earlier than planned has given me the nudge I needed so I’m now on top of all things hospital bag! The nursery is ready and waiting and we’ve got most of the big stuff we need sorted, so I’m starting to feel calmer and more ready now. 

Anyway, here’s a video of the little man having a good old wriggle. This last few days he’s been non stop – something tells me he’s going to keep me on my toes!