Hmmm where to begin. It’s been a while since I last blogged, partly because life is busy and partly because I wasn’t ready to put it out there…since the last miscarriage back in March we’ve been trying again. Unfortunately we’ve not had much luck.
I’ve been pregnant 3 times now, each time it happened instantly so to suddenly not be able to conceive is new territory to me. Getting pregnant hasn’t ever been our problem, staying pregnant has always been my concern. Now I’m in a weird limbo of not getting pregnant and not knowing why. We’re doing everything right. We’re both healthy, eat well, active, don’t smoke, barely drink…there’s no reason we shouldn’t be pregnant by now and yet here we are. Another failed month.
It hit me especially hard this month. It seems like all of my friends are announcing pregnancies or giving birth at the moment and I’m left feeling like it’s all really unfair that other people get it easy and for us it’s never been that way.
In desperation I rang my GP yesterday, I didn’t really expect them to do anything to be honest but I just felt like I needed to be doing something. To my surprise, they were able to see me yesterday afternoon and the Dr was brilliant. Even though we haven’t been trying that long in the grand scheme of things, she agreed that given my history of recurrent miscarriage and the fact that getting pregnant hasn’t been a problem for us previously, it was worth running some tests. I’m booked in for bloods to check hormone levels, ovulation and all the other possible reasons for us not getting pregnant. I should be happy with that, it’s what I wanted, and it is a positive step in getting some answers/help/closer to having another baby…but mostly I’m worried and anxious. What if the tests throw up something that ends all our hope? What if I have to face the reality that I may never have another child? I’m not sure how I deal with that. We know how lucky we are to have Arthur, he’s such a happy, healthy, perfect little man and that won’t change regardless of whether or not we have another child, but I can’t squash the desire to give him a sibling, to feel those magical kicks and wriggles, to hold a tiny newborn to my chest. I’m not ready for that to all be a distant memory and nothing more.
I’m trying really hard to just focus on the tests for now, one thing at a time and deal with things as and when we need to, but it’s certainly easier said than done.