TTC rollercoaster

Hmmm where to begin. It’s been a while since I last blogged, partly because life is busy and partly because I wasn’t ready to put it out there…since the last miscarriage back in March we’ve been trying again. Unfortunately we’ve not had much luck.

I’ve been pregnant 3 times now, each time it happened instantly so to suddenly not be able to conceive is new territory to me. Getting pregnant hasn’t ever been our problem, staying pregnant has always been my concern. Now I’m in a weird limbo of not getting pregnant and not knowing why. We’re doing everything right. We’re both healthy, eat well, active, don’t smoke, barely drink…there’s no reason we shouldn’t be pregnant by now and yet here we are. Another failed month.

It hit me especially hard this month. It seems like all of my friends are announcing pregnancies or giving birth at the moment and I’m left feeling like it’s all really unfair that other people get it easy and for us it’s never been that way.

In desperation I rang my GP yesterday, I didn’t really expect them to do anything to be honest but I just felt like I needed to be doing something. To my surprise, they were able to see me yesterday afternoon and the Dr was brilliant. Even though we haven’t been trying that long in the grand scheme of things, she agreed that given my history of recurrent miscarriage and the fact that getting pregnant hasn’t been a problem for us previously, it was worth running some tests. I’m booked in for bloods to check hormone levels, ovulation and all the other possible reasons for us not getting pregnant. I should be happy with that, it’s what I wanted, and it is a positive step in getting some answers/help/closer to having another baby…but mostly I’m worried and anxious. What if the tests throw up something that ends all our hope? What if I have to face the reality that I may never have another child? I’m not sure how I deal with that. We know how lucky we are to have Arthur, he’s such a happy, healthy, perfect little man and that won’t change regardless of whether or not we have another child, but I can’t squash the desire to give him a sibling, to feel those magical kicks and wriggles, to hold a tiny newborn to my chest. I’m not ready for that to all be a distant memory and nothing more.

I’m trying really hard to just focus on the tests for now, one thing at a time and deal with things as and when we need to, but it’s certainly easier said than done.

Advertisements

Jealousy

I hate feeling this way. I hate that as more and more of my friends tell me that they’re pregnant, that I have to force myself to be happy for them. I want to be happy for them, (and on some level I genuinely am) I don’t want to feel jealous, I don’t want to feel like it’s unfair…but I can’t help it. That IS how I feel. I should be pregnant right now. I should be excitedly making plans with them, guessing on what we’re all having; girls or boys.

Instead I had another miscarriage and no luck in getting pregnant again since. And all I can think is how is that fair? Why do we have to keep going through the pain?

Even writing that, I feel guilty. Of course I don’t wish what we’ve had to go through on anyone else, of course I don’t want anything to go wrong for any of my friends. I just didn’t want any of it to happen to us either.

I feel self indulgent and ungrateful for blogging about this because I know how lucky we are to have Arthur, I know I should be happy with my lot but I can’t shake that ache, that longing that a loss leaves you with. And the truth is that I don’t feel like there’s anyone other than Paul that I can talk to about it. And so, here I am. Blogging. Because it’s my only outlet, my self prescribed therapy.

Most of the time I’m ok, I dust myself off and I get on with it, because what else is there to do? But today I feel like I’ve been blindsided. It’s just been babies from all angles today and it broke me a bit.

Today I’m sick of putting a brave face on. I’m sick of being strong. And most of all I’m sick of the envy that’s always with me.

It’s really really shitty.

A bad day

I’m not in good shape today. I’ve been doing so well, and I actually thought I was fine and then randomly out of nowhere the tears started and now they won’t stop.

I had a dream last night that woke me. I was in a hospital bed, unable to move, surrounded by scared children who I had to protect from some sinister figure lurking on the ward. I was meant to keep them safe but I couldn’t stop them from running off into danger, I couldn’t stop them from being snatched away. I was completely powerless. I suppose if that’s where my mind is right now it’s no wonder I’m having such a hard day today. I know it’ll pass, I know it’ll get easier. I know it’s just a bad day. I also know I have to live through the bad days to get to the good days, but that doesn’t make any of this any easier.

Gone

It was confirmed this morning. The positives to take from this morning’s appointment were that no intervention was needed. My body has very efficiently done what it should. Not that it feels all that positive.

It was also a very different experience to the last time. A different hospital this time, and frankly, a much better one. We were treated with care, kindness and compassion which makes such a difference. The lady we spoke to after the scan gave us lots of good advice, lots of reassurance that despite having another miscarriage there’s no additional risk that it could happen again, and the fact that in between the two losses we had Arthur is reassuring in itself. The scan also showed that everything looks healthy and normal so as shitty as it is, this miscarriage was just one of those things.

I’ve been holding it together pretty well all week (or maybe just bottling it up, who knows) but I really feel it today. I’m sad. I’m angry. I want my baby.

Life’s not very fair sometimes.

Here we are again

7 weeks pregnant tomorrow, but not. I’ve been bleeding since Sunday. Mother’s Day. And my Birthday. Talk about Mother Nature being cruel.

More cruel yet is that I’m still suffering with morning sickness and dizziness. I still feel pregnant.

It doesn’t feel like last time. I don’t have that empty feeling this time, I don’t have the physical pain I had last time. It’s confusing and giving me what is likely to be false hope. I’m not a crying mess, I’m not consumed by the pain of it all. I don’t really feel anything but confused.

For now we play the waiting game until my scan appointment Friday morning. I only hope that it’s straight forward and unambiguous. I just want it done now. Gone.

Work/Life balance is hard

Helloooo! Firstly, I think I need to apologise for not being a great blogger since Arthur came along! I sort of expected that while he was tiny, but I naively thought that when I went back to work and things got back to normal that I’d find a routine that worked for us, and still have a bit of time for myself for things like blogging…oh how wrong I was! 🙈

I was really lucky that I had a load of leave to take and my boss was happy for me to use it to work part time hours when I first went back to work, so from July until Christmas I worked part time which was such a nice balance between having time with Arthur and having time to be something other than just mumma, but since I went back after Christmas I’ve been full time and it has been a shock to the system to say the least! I love work and I’m really lucky that I work with a great bunch of people, but I’m up and out the door before Arthur wakes up in the morning and by the time I get home from work and sort dinner for us all I’m lucky to get an hour with Arthur before he goes to bed, and that hour is generally when he’s at his worst because he’s tired and grumpy! Then when the weekend rolls around there’s all the housework and washing and food shopping to do, and so I rush around like a blue arsed fly on a Saturday trying to get everything done as quickly as possible so that I can spend a few hours with Arthur before he goes to bed and so that I can then flop on the sofa with Paul in the evening, because I also barely seen him all week.

All in all, it’s a juggling act that I don’t feel as though I’m hugely on top of at the moment and it has resulted in a couple of meltdowns from me this week! Unfortunately going part time isn’t an affordable option for us so it’s not as simple as just working less hours either. So, this week I finally got equipment to be able to work from home. I’m really hoping that on the weeks that I’m really struggling with the work life balance and shitty mum guilt that having the option of working from home will help ease that. It certainly gives me a bit more flexibility which I think will help.

Arthur’s starting at nursery next month 3 mornings a week so with a bit of luck that’ll mean Paul gets more done while he’s child free and hopefully we’ll get more family time in the evenings and on weekends as a result. It’s definitely a balancing act, but we’re doing our best and muddling through, and most importantly of all, Arthur is a lovely happy, confident little boy so clearly we’re doing something right! He had his first settling in session in nursery this week and it went really well! He thoroughly enjoyed himself, although he did steal a little girl’s sandwich out of her hand and scoffed it! 🙈😂 they’re going to think we don’t feed him! I’ve felt so torn about sending him to nursery, but I feel like he’s the right age now. He seems to need that stimulation and to be around other kids his age so I think it’ll be really good for him even if it does scare the crap out of me!

And in other news, I’ve recently done an interview with Slimming World to be featured as a success story on their website which was such a thrill for me. After having Arthur, I really stacked the weight on (who knew that a diet of coffee, cake and take aways over six months adds up to a mammoth weight gain?!) and found myself feeling fat and frumpy and not at all the yummy mummy I wanted to be! So I joined slimming world online in Jan 2016 and by the time we got married 10 months later, I’d lost 3 stone 12.5lbs purely by following the slimming world plan. I don’t have time to go to a gym or a class so I walk wherever I can whenever I can, but beyond that exercise really hasn’t been a part of my weight loss. I’m so much happier and healthier now, and really glad I found a long term diet that works for the whole family. My article goes live on the slimming world websites next month, so if anyone out there reading this is a member, keep an eye out!

And that’s about it I think! Hopefully I won’t leave it so long next time…

Arthur around Christmas time. 💗

Miss to Mrs!

So….last week we got married! It was a beautiful ceremony (I got ever so emotional and cried my way through it!) in an amazing venue in Cornwall called Polhawn Fort. (It’s well worth a Google just to get even half an idea of how beautiful it is there!)

It was everything I’ve wanted for so long (hence the crying!) and we had the best day celebrating with our friends and family. I don’t really have a huge amount else to say about it actually, but since you’ve all followed my life in recent years through all the crappy stuff, I always feel like I need to share happy stuff with you all too! So enjoy some wedding snaps and thanks for being here. Again. For nice news as well as bad. 💗