I think I’m losing the plot.
I’m 37 weeks and I CAN’T STOP CRYING. Like at all. For three straight days now. I know hormones are probably going a bit mental at this stage and Dr Google (I know, I know, don’t judge me I’m desperate) says that all the crying could mean labour is imminent so it’s *probably* normal…but I’m really anxious. What if it’s not normal? What if there’s something wrong? What if this is a sign I’m going to struggle with the dreaded PND?
Paul is, as ever, being very sweet and thoughtful and doing his best to make me feel better but I just feel like nothing is working.
I brought my maternity leave forward a week and so I finished work on Friday…I’m wondering if that’s partly what’s got me all in a state. I really enjoy work. I like going to the office, I like being around everyone and having a purpose and a distraction from whatever else is going on in my life. I guess I’m feeling a bit lost. A bit lonely too maybe. But mostly I’m scared and I can’t even really tell you what I’m scared of, just that I feel scared. And sad. And anxious.
The aches and pains and niggles I’m having more frequently now are all too reminiscent of the physical pains of miscarriage and that’s definitely not helping with the whole being upset thing either, even though logically I know that it probably means I’ll get to meet my little man soon I’m worried that he’s not going to get here safe and sound. I don’t know why. I thought I was well past the anxiety of losing another baby but it seems to have come back with a vengeance this last few days. I had a bit of a fall on Saturday that scared me – it wasn’t anything serious and I’m absolutely fine and so is baby, but I can’t shake the feeling that it could’ve been much worse and that I could’ve lost him. That in itself is ridiculous! Why am I worrying about something that DIDN’T HAPPEN?!
Maybe I just need to have a word with myself. Yes I feel like I’m out of control, yes I feel overwhelmed, yes I’m in a constant state of crying and worrying…but maybe I’m supposed to be? After all, I am about to experience the single most monumental thing I can experience so I guess it makes sense that it’s all a bit much when you think of it in those terms.
It’ll all be worth it.
Paul became a daddy the second we found out we were pregnant. He’s always been caring and supportive, but as soon as there was a little life growing he became more focused, more attentive, and an even more amazing man than the one I’d fallen in love with. He was every bit as devastated as I was when we lost that baby, but never, not once, did he give up on me or on us. His support during that time was amazing. He was my strength when I had none, and he took all my crying and my anger even though he was no doubt feeling all those same things himself. He’s been a daddy ever since then.
Today is Father’s Day. His first Father’s Day, and even though our little man hasn’t arrived yet, the love that Paul showers him already is a magnificent thing to behold. I will so miss seeing Paul kiss, talk to, and rub my bump affectionately but I’m so ready now to see him with our son in his arms. I know he’s going to be the luckiest little boy to have Paul in his life because I know I’m the luckiest woman to have him by my side.
So this one is for Paul. The best man I know, and the best dad to be there is.
We love you xxx
Just a quick update for the ladies I was chatting with last night to let you all know that it was a false alarm. (Little bit disappointed if I’m honest, I really thought I’d be coming home with my little man!) I had plenty of monitoring and an internal to check and although he is very low in my pelvis, I’m not dilating yet. The pains I’ve been having I just need to keep an eye on. So all is well and he’s going to cook a bit longer before making his appearance which can only be a good thing. 😊 I’m still convinced that I won’t go to 40 weeks but for now it’s business as usual. Just as well really since I’m back in work tomorrow!! 🙈
Thanks for all the lovely messages and good luck wishes. I will, as ever, keep you posted. X
35 weeks and counting! I can’t believe how quickly this pregnancy has gone. I’m going to miss it so much!
I’m still feeling pretty good and actually for the last week I’ve slept so well, which makes a huge difference. It seems like since I got pregnant sleep has been my enemy. I’ve regularly woken any time between 1am – 4am and then had to go and do a full day’s work and function as a real human being. While I’m sure this is great practice for the early days of motherhood, it certainly didn’t feel great so being able to sleep through until 7 or 8 is pure bliss now!
I have religiously applied all manner of lotions and potions to my bump since the very beginning in the vain hope that I’d avoid or at least minimise stretch marks…and I felt quite smug that it seemed to be working. Until the last couple of weeks that is when a bunch of ugly red stretch marks appeared all across my lower belly. Yuck. They aren’t very pretty and I can’t say I love that aspect of my bump or pregnancy, however they are a small price to pay for a healthy and happy little boy so I try not to dwell on it too much. They’ll fade with time and frankly, I’ve never had a gorgeous flat stomach anyway so it’s no great loss I guess!
Over the last few days I’ve had the feeling that something is happening. I’ve had a terrible backache for the last week, which seems to be getting tighter and more uncomfortable each day, I’ve also had period like pains for the last few days and nausea and dizziness on and off. I feel like my cervix is achey too…I don’t know how else to describe it other than a bit like that ache you get inside when you have your period. Obviously I’ve consulted Dr Google and it seems that either this is totally normal pregnancy stuff, or the very early stages of labour. So as usual googling really wasn’t any help! I’m seeing my midwife in the morning so I’ll run it all past her and see what she says. I haven’t felt like there’s anything wrong, and little man is still wriggling around plenty so he’s happy enough and honestly, I think when I mention it to my midwife she’ll send me in to hospital *just in case* and since she’s likely to send me tomorrow anyway for another growth scan (we’ve gone from measuring big to measuring small) I don’t think there’s much point ringing now and spending two days in hospital, probably unnecessarily. So unless I start getting regular contractions or my waters go I’m happy enough to stay put, get massages from Paul and sitting on my birthing ball! I only hope I can stay this calm throughout labour and delivery!
So, on to the things I’m looking forward to after giving birth! I have so enjoyed being pregnant, and once I’d finally stopped stressing about the possibility of another miscarriage I eased in to pregnancy and found the whole thing (yes even those icky stretch marks) a real joy. That said, I have missed being able to eat pâte, pink steak, blue/goats cheeses and of course drinking a lovely big glass of wine. I am going to stock my fridge with all these lovely things and thoroughly enjoy tucking in as soon as I get home from the hospital! I also can’t wait to see my little man in all his cute little outfits. I’m so excited to meet him now and see who he looks like. I know it’s going to be hard, and a very steep learning curve but we have so much support and help if/when we need it that I’m really not worried. I think we’ll do just fine. 😊
I’m sooooo excited and impatient to meet him! Hurry up little man! 💙