March 22nd is the day I was meant to have my baby. The date that’s been constantly at the back of my mind since last September, the one I’ve dreaded the most.
If I’m honest, I thought being pregnant again would make it easier somehow but I think that was wishful thinking. It’s a couple of days away and I can already feel the emotions bubbling up to the surface so I’m really glad I had the foresight to book a couple of days off work Monday and Tuesday. I guess it’s different for everyone, and on the one hand I did think maybe being in work would be a good distraction, but deep down it just feels wrong to be getting on with life when I know that’s the day my life should have been changing forever.
I don’t want to focus on how sad and how hard Tuesday is going to be for me – that’s a given, but at the same time I don’t want to brush it under the carpet and pretend it’s just another day. I kind of feel like I should be doing something to mark it. I just don’t know what.
So I’ll be at home able to feel whatever I need to feel and grieve however I need to grieve without prying eyes or well meaning friends and colleagues trying to help but not knowing how. I decided that removing myself from that potentially painful situation was probably wise because people don’t understand. With all the best will in the world, unless you’ve gone through it yourself (and I hope you never do) you simply can’t understand. I know all it would take is for one person to say “at least you’re pregnant now though” in that helpful, cheery tone to make my head explode and me to say something I regret to someone who was no doubt just trying to help.
So that’s where I’m at this morning. Headed off to my first NCT class to talk about all things babies when actually I’m pretty preoccupied with the baby that will never be. The one that nobody will talk about. Of course that then makes me feel guilty for (for want of a better word) “prioritising” my lost baby over my living one today.
This whole process of pregnancy and miscarriage and pregnancy post miscarriage is a whirlpool of conflicting emotions – guilt, anxiety and stress. I know in the long run it’ll be so worth it, and I know from my own experience that time really does heal, but I also know that this pain will likely never leave me. I’m not sure I want it to either. After all, it’s all I have left.
As hard as Tuesday will be, once it’s gone, it’s gone. I feel as though it’s the final stage of the grieving process. The last landmark date that I have to deal with. I’ve found a place for my grief and whilst it will always be with me, it’s manageable. I just have to get through Tuesday and then put that grief back in its box.
Just a quick update for you my blog friends because yesterday was my 31st birthday…and today my amazing Paul asked me to marry him!!
In an ideal world, we’d have met years ago, had loads of time to just get to know each other and get engaged and married before we thought about babies, but it’s not an ideal world as we all know. So when I met Paul at the ripe old age of 28 I thought “finally! This is him! This is the man I’ve been waiting for!” And everything just sort of slotted in to place for us quite quickly. We moved in together quickly (some said it was too quickly!) and because I felt the old biological clock ticking away marriage and babies were definitely on my mind. As you know, we fell pregnant unexpectedly last summer (well obviously not THAT unexpectedly since I’m not an idiot and I do know how these things work after all!) but were thrilled about it. After the miscarriage we talked about getting married, but really babies were all I could think about.
Today I feel so lucky to have the man I love by my side through thick and thin, our baby boy on the way, and now we’ve made it official too – I am going to be a wife. A wife and a mother no less! I couldn’t be happier. Paul is the best man I know, and I just know he’s going to be the best daddy too.
I am delirious right now. 😊
There’s a very good reason that my best friend, Dee, is my best friend.
Today is a weird day for me. I’m so lucky to be having a healthy little boy, and so happy to know that I’m a mum…but I’m also sad. Sad that my first little one will never call me mammy. Today is a day that forces me to think about my loss, probably made all the worse for knowing that my due date would’ve been just a couple of weeks away. I’m sure Paul would’ve been making a fuss of me today, excitedly looking forward to welcoming our baby any day now, and that’s hard to contemplate.
Honestly, I’m in a weird emotional state at the moment and I’ve been trying not to dwell on what might’ve been, trying not to be silly or ungrateful for what I have now.
I didn’t really think anyone else would think about it. I don’t mean that in a horrible way, it’s not that I think people don’t care or anything, it’s just that people’s memories are short, their lives are busy, and unless they’ve experienced that same loss they just don’t understand. And then Dee text me to say that she’s thinking of me and my first little one today. It touched me more than I can say. Yes I had a cry, but to know that my baby is remembered by others too is a really lovely, comforting thing. That message also allowed me to feel what I’ve been trying to avoid feeling. By having someone else acknowledge my grief, it feels ok to have a cry. It feels ok to not be strong today. For that, and so much more I thank my oldest friend.
I guess today is going to be hard, and I have to accept that and try to look for the positives. At the same time, I wanted to honour our loss too.
I’m thinking of you all today, all you special women who’ve helped and supported me through what was the hardest time of my life. Today is a tough one, but we’re strong. We’ll get there.
You may remember that when I first found out I was pregnant this time I felt I was having a little girl. I have felt that all along. Well today we had our 20 week scan and let’s just say it’s a good thing I didn’t go out and buy a load of dresses!
So we’re having a son! July 19th is now my confirmed due date and honestly, I am half ridiculously impatient for that date to have come and gone so I can meet my little man and see his beautiful little face, and half want to pause time because I’m enjoying this pregnancy so much. I’m passed the exhaustion (actually that’s not true, I still head to bed at around 8pm most nights, but believe it or not that actually is a vast improvement!) and the nausea, and today seeing that everything is growing normally and there don’t appear to be any complications has just taken a big weight off my shoulders. I’ve also been discharged from the consultant and am back to being midwife led which was what I was hoping for.
I’m sure that there will still be days when I’m really anxious, and I’m also sure that a certain amount of anxiety is normal anyway, but for now I am happy and content curled up for the afternoon with a good book and my little boy wriggling away.
We really couldn’t be happier. 💙