Paranoid 

I’m snotty and ill and feeling very sorry for myself. I woke up at 2am sick and was awake for a little while feeling rough. My alarm went off at 6 for work and I got up and tried to go through the motions but it’s no good, I’m full of a cold and sick as a dog and haven’t slept! Being ill is bad enough normally, but it’s about a million times worse when you’re pregnant and fearful that every little thing is going to trigger another miscarriage. I realise I am being utterly ridiculous. I know that being sick and having a cold isn’t going to cause a miscarriage. I also know that being sleep deprived for one night isn’t going to cause a miscarriage, but here I am terrified that if I didn’t call in sick and just trooped on like I usually do, I’d pay for it in the worst possible way.  

I wish I could just go back to how I felt the first time around, when the worry was minimal and the excitement was right up there. I get a little excited when I catch a glimpse of my already fairly noticeable bump (and yes, at only 6 weeks that really does make me think it might be twins!) but then I catch myself, scold myself and go back to pretending I’m not even pregnant. That’s how I’m getting through this pregnancy at the moment. By pretending that it’s not happening. This is, in itself ridiculous of course. Do I really think that by kidding myself this way I’ll be any less upset or hurt should the worst happen again? Not really. Not deep down. I know I’ll be devastated again and that’s what scares me. I honestly feel like I couldn’t go through that again. I don’t think I’d survive it a second time. 

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