Only 5 weeks in and I’m already a mess 

I found out a week ago that I’m pregnant. Based on my last period I’m five weeks and I’ve already written one blog which is yet to be published about this. But that post was all about being cautiously excited. This one is all about anxiety. My goodness I am anxious. It seems to have hit me all of a sudden today. I’ve had a backache for the last week and a bit and it’s just throwing my mind in to the whirlpool of “am I having another miscarriage” worry. That’s how it started last time. With a backache. 

So, I’m in bed at 7:30pm because I feel sleepy, and because I feel like if I rest enough maybe it’ll all be ok. That’s stupid I know. But hey, if it gets me through then it’s worth a shot right? Other than the back ache and sleepiness, I can’t really say I’m feeling particularly pregnant right now. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not. On the one hand, anything that feels different to last time must surely be a good thing? But on the other hand, not feeling pregnant at all is worrying. 

We’re planning on having an early scan at 8 weeks with a private clinic because if this level of anxiety is set to last 9 whole months my head will explode. Even waiting the next three weeks is going to be tough. And then, having the scan itself isn’t going to be easy either, because as much as I tell myself to be positive and not to worry, of course I’m worried. Of course after last time I’m going to prepare myself for the worst. 

You know it’s funny, last time I cried tears of happiness when I found out I was pregnant, and I was in a sort of dreamlike state for weeks. This time when I found out I smiled and then instantly stopped myself. I was so happy for a few days, and now I’m just really anxious. And that’s the reality of a pregnancy after a miscarriage. For every feeling of happiness and hope, 7 feelings of anxiety and fear rush in. I’m trying so hard to fight that because I so want to be able to enjoy this pregnancy, the way I did with my first until it all fell apart. I’m naturally a very positive person, so it doesn’t come easily to me to be so pessimistic, but I feel like if I let myself believe it’s all going to work out this time then what happens if it doesn’t?! I swear the pain of the loss I felt last time nearly killed me. I’ve never felt so low in my life as I did in the weeks that followed the miscarriage. I don’t want to be there again. I don’t want to think about taking myself away from it all. That isn’t me. It scares me that I got that close to being so selfish, so desperate. That isn’t me. 

I’m trying to be hopeful, but I guess some days that’s going to be harder than others. And today is one of the hard ones. 

I’m not posting this blog yet either. It’s important to me to write it as I feel it, because I’ve based this whole blog on being honest about miscarriage, and all its aftermath. I don’t want to hide anything from any of you, and I feel torn that I want to share my news with my friends here, and at the same time terrified that once I post it and it’s out there it’s real, because if it’s real then I have to accept that it’s all beyond my control. 

Ultimately when I do post all of these pieces, I know you’ll be happy for me (hey look, there’s that hope again) and I know you’ll all understand why I couldn’t publicly share my news straight away. The support I get from all of you is amazing and has helped me through everything so far. I know that if the worst happens, I’ve got a fantastic support network, but my lovely ladies, what I’d really love is that in 7 weeks time I can post all of this and a new post with a scan picture of my beautiful, perfect, healthy baby for you all to see. We’ve gone through each others pain, and each other’s hope. I’d love to be able to share with you my happiness. Fingers crossed eh? 

17/11/2015 

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