Hoping…

It’s the 14th November, 6am on a Saturday morning, I’m wide awake and have been since just before 5:30. Why am I awake so early on my day off? Well because the little person growing inside me wants me to be either constantly eating or peeing! Yep, that’s right! I’m pregnant! 

Today should’ve been the day my period arrived, but last Wednesday after weeks of just “feeling pregnant” I decided to try an early test and there it was “pregnant”. 

Honestly, I thought I’d feel more apprehensive but so far I’m mostly just ecstatic! After everything we went through in September, I told myself that if we got pregnant again I wouldn’t get excited and I wouldn’t fall in love with this baby, at least not until we’d passed the 12 week scan and knew everything was ok…I can’t say that’s really worked to be honest! I fell in love as soon as those words popped up on the test and although we’re talking in “ifs” and not “whens” we are unashamedly excited. 

For the first time since the miscarriage I have a feeling of calm and contentment. It started a few weeks ago and I just thought I was moving on, it was finally getting easier. Now I think it was because I knew on some level that I was pregnant. That feeling of total emptiness just evaporated overnight. It’s such a strange thing, but I think I’ve always been pretty in tune with my body and just like last time, I knew. 

Obviously I’m anxious though. I’m being extra cautious this time around – not that I was careless or reckless last time of course. I feel positive despite everything we’ve been through. I can’t explain it, but I just feel like this time we’ll be OK. I guess I have to believe that really. I mean, what’s the alternative? 

This time though, it is different, it’s not a surprise. I’ve been doing everything you’re supposed to when you’re planning to have a baby. I’ve changed jobs too since last time, swapping the killer 12 hour night shifts for a nice Mon-Fri job with much shorter hours. I made sure I minimised all the stress in my life and honestly, it just feels like this time there’s no reason that it shouldn’t be ok. We’re also house hunting and hoping to make an offer on our first house later this week which means that with any luck we’ll be in our new family home come new year. Everything just feels like it’s falling in to place now. I just hope it doesn’t suddenly all get torn away from us again. 

Although I’m writing this, it won’t be posted publicly yet. I wanted to write it in real time and capture how I’m feeling in the moment, but honestly even just writing it out feels a bit like tempting fate. Ridiculous I know. I’m not a superstitious woman, I’m generally pretty level headed and rational, but we both feel like saying it out loud is asking for trouble. Unlike last time when we excitedly told our parents and closest friends straight away, this time we’ve decided to keep it completely between us. Partly out of this irrational thought that telling people makes it real, tempts fate and generally feels like a cause of anxiety, and partly because I don’t want to put our friends and family, and especially my parents who have been so amazing, through that pain again should the worst happen. 

So, today marks the start of the fifth week of this pregnancy. I’m sleepy all the time and having occasional nausea, dizziness and headaches…and I couldn’t be more grateful! I’ll happily take all the pregnancy symptoms ten times over if it means that this baby makes it. I don’t care if it’s a boy or a girl, I don’t care if it’s twins – in fact there could be 75 in there and I’d be ecstatic as long as they’re healthy! Last time we took it for granted that we’d just have a baby, so we concerned ourselves with the trivial stuff. This time the only thing that matters is that we’re all healthy and happy. That should’ve been all that mattered last time too, maybe we were being taught that lesson the hard way. 

I’ve given the little lentil (that’s how big he or she is right now) a little pep talk. I’ve  used my best authorative mum voice to tell him or her that they need to grow big and strong so that come July 16th 2016 me and daddy can welcome him or her with more love and gratitude than we can currently imagine. Please keep everything crossed for me. 

I’ve already lined up a private clinic for a couple of early scans. We’re very fortunate that we’re financially in a position to be able to do this, and honestly I think it’ll help to quell our worries. I have to wait until week 6 before I can make an appointment for an 8 week scan which is the earliest it can be done. So for now I’m playing the waiting game. Holding my breath for the next week in the hopes that I get that far and can book in that first scan for two weeks later. All being well, we plan to have another scan at 10 weeks which just happens to be the week before Christmas. If at that point everything is ok, we’re planning to tell our parents on Christmas Day. What better Christmas present to my parents than a scan picture of their first grandchild? 12 weeks works out as the 2nd of Jan so with any luck by the new year we’ll be able to celebrate properly. I know everyone will be so happy for us. I really hope we get that far. 

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