Last night I booked my private 8 week scan. That’s two weeks today and to say I’m terrified is an understatement. I booked it and then cried all over Paul for a while. I couldn’t really tell him why I was crying because in all honesty, I didn’t really know. I’m sure hormones will be playing their part, but I just had this sudden rush of panic and anxiety. I’m currently somewhere halfway between wanting the scan and not wanting it. I know that on the one hand having the scan if all is well will make us breathe a sigh of relief, but I also remember how awful it was to find out the last time we went for a scan that our baby had died and of course that’s sort of overriding everything else right now.
I have to keep reminding myself that there’s no reason to think there’s a problem. There’s no spotting and no cramping. The backache I had seems to have passed and come to nothing so I’m trying to be positive, but the other night I woke myself up crying. I was dreaming that I was having another miscarriage. I can pretend during waking hours that everything is fine and I’m staying positive but clearly my subconscious isn’t buying any of it.
I guess for the next two weeks I just have to try and stay positive and cross everything that we get a happy scan experience this time around.