Little wriggler! 

Last weekend I thought I felt some movements but it was sort of a one off and then that made me think I was probably imagining it, since generally the books etc say you probably won’t feel anything until about 18 weeks, and I was only 15 weeks at the time. About twenty minutes ago I felt it again, and it lasted a good few minutes so I grabbed Paul and got him to feel it too and yep! he could feel what he described as like waves. It all quieted down then, so I got Paul to talk to bump in the hopes that daddy’s voice would set her/him off again…and it worked! I got more wriggles! I’m on cloud nine right now!!

So now I’m lying in bed, waiting and hoping for more little wriggles and sobbing the happiest tears! I feel so unbelievably lucky to be experiencing this.

Advertisements

It’s a funny old life 

Today I got chatting to someone at work,  someone I don’t really know all that well, even though I’ve always chatted to her and always liked her, we just don’t work closely together so don’t have the opportunity to chat much. My guess is that a mutual friend of ours has mentioned that I suffered a miscarriage, because the chat we had today wasn’t exactly light hearted “weather’s nice” chatter! 

This lady confessed to me that she’s going for IVF a week today. Or her first appointment anyway. She told me that her chances of getting pregnant are just 15%. She then told me that she’d lost a baby at 12 weeks back in 2014. So I shared my story too. We had a brief, relatively unemotional chat about it, in a way that only two relative strangers who’ve shared the same awful experience can do. It’s stayed with me all day, the thought that she’s got this 15% chance of having a baby. I remember how desperate I was to be pregnant again after the miscarriage, how unbearable not being pregnant was, and I think if I’d had a percentage put on it, the pressure would’ve been just too much to handle. So I think this woman is kind of amazing. 

I’ve been a total mardy cow this week! Miserable, tearful, angry, irritable…I’ve been pretty horrible to live with if I’m honest, and I know it’s hormones and I can’t actually control it (I have tried and it resulted in a major meltdown! The kind where you cry so much you can’t catch a breath and there’s snot everywhere!) but hearing about other women struggling to have their babies, it just makes me sit back and realise how bloody lucky I am. I’m lucky to have the crippling back ache, and I’m lucky to have the constant headache and the sore boobs and the crazy mood swings. Because at the end of it, I’ll have my baby. And that’s what it’s all about isn’t it? 

We’ve got our 16 week midwife appointment on Wednesday, and I’m both excited and terrified for it. Excited because we get to hear bub’s heartbeat for the first time…and terrified because a tiny part at the back of my brain keeps niggling at me, what if there isn’t a heartbeat. That first ever scan experience where there was no heartbeat has stayed with me. It hangs over me every time I have an appointment now. I think it always will. 

I’ve thought about it, and I think I’m going to give the woman at work my number. Because whether she gets pregnant or not, I understand partially what she’s gone through, and I understand that overwhelming need to be pregnant. I also understand the anxiety that a pregnancy after a miscarriage can bring. So maybe in some small way I can help. Even if she never uses my number, at least if she’s got it then the option is there? I know for me it was so much easier to talk to the “anonymous” friends I made through this blog than it was to talk to my friends and family, and certainly talking to others in the same situation has been, and continues to be a big help. 

Funny old life isn’t it. 

The ever expanding bump! 

LOOK AT IT! I am huge already and I couldn’t be happier!

Paul’s been away for work all week and so that’s been hard as this week I really noticed that I “popped” and he’s missed it which makes me sad. I’ve missed him talking to bump and I’ve definitely missed being cwtched and just generally basking in the happy glow of our excitement. I also didn’t realise how much he’s been helping out around the house until he wasn’t here – as a result of having to do it all myself this week I am absolutely exhausted and have had a three day headache. So that’s not great, and waking up at 3:30 the other night to be violently ill wasn’t my best day either! But Paul is about half an hour away and we have a blissful weekend of absolutely nothing planned! Just some “us” time, and plenty of relaxation. I can’t wait!

There’s been some really great news this week which I’ve been following closely on Twitter that I’m so pleased about. Tommy’s have announced that they’re working in partnership with several universities to open a centre (the largest in Europe) to research early miscarriages regardless of how many you’ve suffered. Currently under NHS rules you have to have suffered three consecutive miscarriages before they’ll even consider looking in to possible reasons as to why it’s happened. Having endured the pure heartbreak of one, I can’t imagine having to suffer three so I really feel that this centre will make a massive difference to people’s lives.

The other bit of news that I saw just today, is that a hospital in West Wales are undertaking a review of the diagnosis and treatment of miscarriage by using real women’s experiences to help shape how they move forward. So far, it’s just the one hospital doing this, however, it does signal hope that others in Wales will follow their lead and that would be a great thing. Nobody should have to suffer the poor treatment and lack of care that I did at what is already the most horrendous time.

All in all, I think positive changes are happening and that can only ever be a good thing. So I want us all to give ourselves a pat on the back, because it’s people like me and you who took the decision to be brave and talk openly about such a terrible thing that have helped get the message out there that miscarriage is nothing to be ashamed of and is something that happens way too often.

I’ve added some links to the bottom of this post so anyone interested can read more about the stories I’ve mentioned.

http://www.fons.org/programmes/report-details.aspx?nstid=68819&page=projects&from=1

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3410991/I-feel-broken-Women-suffered-miscarriages-share-heartbreaking-confessions-sorrow-shame-feel.html

https://www.tommys.org/research/current-research-projects/miscarriage/tommys-will-be-opening-europes-largest-research-centre-dedicated-to-preventing-early-miscarriage

We made it! 

We made it to 12 weeks! I can’t tell you how relieved I am. We chose a different hospital for this scan, and honestly it was such a good decision because they were amazing. Very understanding of our anxiety, and really supportive. Our little wriggler was once again very active and we got some really great, clear scan pictures of him or her. We’ve told close friends and family the good news now and I’m starting to really believe it’s all going to be ok. 

I’ll of course keep you all updated, but for now I’ll leave you with happy thoughts and a picture of my little one.  

  

D day 

Tomorrow is our 12 week dating scan. By my calculations I should be 12+4. For weeks now I’ve been dreading it and we’ve had our share of panics and wobbles along the way, including a 9 week emergency scan and an 11 week one thanks to my pesky cervix for playing silly beggars! But right now in this moment I feel content. I feel ok. I think it might just be ok you know. I think we might get the scan experience we should’ve had in September. 

I really hope I’m right. I don’t know what we’ll do if we get bad news again. 

But right now, I’m positive. Let’s hope that this time tomorrow I’ll be sharing all these posts with you and that we’ll be celebrating some long awaited good news together. 

Fingers and toes crossed. 

So, that was Christmas! 

It’s been a while eh? I’ve been AWOL lately for a couple of reasons. One is that honestly, there really hasn’t been much to say pregnancy wise. I think everything is ok, and aside from the usual anxiety I’m feeling pretty good. Still suffering with nausea and sickness (which I’m thankful for as I hope it means everything is ok) and still tired a lot, but otherwise no spotting or cramps, no backache…I’m feeling fairly positive. We have our dating scan a week today and as it draws nearer I am feeling more and more anxious. I keep reminding myself that we saw a very wiggly baby and a strong little heartbeat at 9 weeks and since then I haven’t had any sinister symptoms so everything is probably OK, but I can’t help but worry. 

We told our parents over Christmas. Paul’s mum got a bit tearful, both my parents looked shocked and confused and then excited and now just anxious. That makes me really sad. I totally understand why they feel the way they feel, hell we’ve felt it for 11 and a half weeks now. I get it. Nonetheless, I’m sad that my parents can’t just be excited and happy at the prospect of their first grandchild being born. As heartbreaking and awful as a miscarriage is at the time, it’s impacts are ongoing and far reaching. I suspect this pregnancy will always be tinged with a little sadness and worry until little one is here safe and live and healthy. 

So, other than pregnancy woes, we’re moving house in a couple of weeks so we’re in the process of packing up our flat and getting ourselves organised ready for the big move. Needless to say, it’s a stressful time but I’m determined to stay as relaxed as possible. I’m taking absolutely no chances with my health or my baby’s health. 
We had a really lovely if a little strange Christmas. Strange because my lovely Nan was taken in to hospital with pneumonia and although she was out after a week on the 23rd, she isn’t really herself again yet. She’s weak and tired and apparently that can take up to 8 weeks to subside. So there’s been a lot of back and forth and worrying about her whilst trying to make the best of our Christmas and make hers as good as we could. Paul and I stayed at my parents house for a few days where my mum spoiled us, fed us and generally looked after us. I have to say, it was kind of like being a kid again having my mum run around doing everything for me…and it was bliss! It meant we got to have a real break because I wasn’t constantly thinking “I should be packing that, or washing this, or cleaning that” and the break definitely did us some good ahead of a busy few weeks. My parents made this Christmas much easier on us, and for that I’m so so thankful because I dreaded Christmas after the miscarriage. The thought that I should be six months pregnant and have a lovely big bump was something that I knew would get harder and harder. I didn’t really want to be around all the usual crowds of people, and I really didn’t feel much like celebrating. In the end, it wasn’t as bad as I expected. I did avoid crowds, and I did have a quieter Christmas than usual because it’s still really hard, and even being pregnant again doesn’t take away the pain. It helps I think, but it doesn’t ever go away. If I allowed myself, I could still sit and sob for that first baby. 

I don’t know when we’ll start telling people the news, and I don’t know when I’ll post these blogs I’ve been writing for months either. I still feel like saying it out loud and having people know is just tempting fate. Silly superstitions, but honestly everything makes me panicky this time so I’m going to go with my gut. It’s never steered me wrong before so when I feel strong enough to share my news I will. 

9 week panic 

  
I haven’t posted any updates for a little while because to be honest after my early scan I did calm down and stop feeling so anxious…That lasted all of about 3 days! The panic and worry crept back in fairly quickly and culminated yesterday when I noticed some light bleeding when I went to the loo. I left work at lunch time and called my GP straight away and they were brilliant. A doctor phoned me back within minutes and within half an hour I was sat in the doctor’s surgery crying all over him! He booked me a scan at EPAU for 2:50 yesterday afternoon and fortunately Paul was home from work so we went to the hospital. It was a stressful and panicky afternoon, but all turned out OK in the end thankfully. 

We had a scan and I have to say it was a completely different experience to the first one we’d had there back in September. There were three ladies in the room with us and they asked some very basic questions and got on with the scan very quickly. As soon as they could see the heartbeat they told us so there was no hanging around. They checked that everything looked normal and the baby was the right size and everything looked well. They turned the screen to face us, and there was the little heartbeat flickering away, and then baby decided to show off for us waving his or her arms around! Paul is convinced that he/she was air drumming and is taking after daddy! It was amazing to see. 

Of course I then burst in to tears and profusely thanked everyone for seeing us and for being so lovely! We got to take a picture home with us and now we only have three weeks to wait until the 12 week scan. I’m sure that the next three weeks will be full of anxiety again, but seeing the baby moving and the heart beating definitely reassured us. 

I didn’t have any more bleeding yesterday, but this morning there was some more very light bleeding when I went to the loo. I have no idea what’s caused it, the doctor seemed to think maybe the lletz loop treatment I had back in May, but I haven’t had an internal exam to confirm this. For now I think I just need to stay calm, remind myself that baby is wiggly and happy and growing properly and keep positive that it stays that way.