So, I woke up at around 4am needing a wee. It’s now 5:30 and I’m still wide awake, and since my alarm is due to go off in an hour anyway I’ve decided to get up, have a coffee and vent my worries here.
I’m worried that I’m pregnant. I’m also worried that I’m not. (I know, try being in my head right now it’s a barrel of laughs!)
I was so happy when I found out last time that it’s bizarre to me that now the overriding emotion is anxiety. We haven’t been “trying” but to be honest, we weren’t trying last time either! That said, I have been taking conception multivitamins and avoiding alcohol, minimising my caffeine intake and avoiding the same things I did when I was pregnant…
Initially I decided to steer clear of booze because on the few occasions that I drank wine after the miscarriage it just made me even more emotional. Let’s face it, nobody wants a hysterical woman sat at the dinner table with them! So I’ve avoided alcohol and I’ve felt better for it. I decided to start taking the vitamins fairly soon after the miscarriage, and it genuinely wasn’t because we were planning to start trying straight away – honestly our heads were (and probably still are) too pickled to contemplate it.
Right after the miscarriage I went through so many emotions, but the big ones were sadness obviously, guilt that I hadn’t done enough, and anxiety that it’ll happen again. I felt that by taking the vitamins I regained some modicum of control because even though we weren’t trying, if my body was prepared for pregnancy and it did happen again at least this time my body would be ready for it. Maybe that would mean we wouldn’t have to endure another miscarriage.
Now as I sit wrapped in my fluffy dressing gown, with my captain caveman hair and twitching tired eyes I can’t help but think that this happened last time I was pregnant. I’d wake at 3 or 4am needing the loo, I’d be wide awake and not able to get back to sleep, I’d be like a zombie all day, and then I’d give up and go to bed by 8pm only to start the whole cycle again. On top of that, I seem to be tired all the time no matter how much I sleep, maybe that’s down to work and trying to get back to “normal”? Honestly, even after two months I still have days where I don’t feel like I should be back in work. What I’d really like to do is stay at home in my pyjamas with my mad bed hair and not have to put on “The Show” all day long. It’s exhausting having to smile and be pleasant when the last thing you feel is smiley or pleasant!
If you look up early pregnancy symptoms, I can currently tick a few off the list. Back ache (which feels just like it did last time), headaches, dizziness, sore breasts, fatigue, nausea, suddenly things taste funny to me again, and of course the latest one; insomnia…I’ve read lots of blogs about miscarriage and lots of women say that their bodies have tricked them in to believing they were pregnant again after a miscarriage. Cruel eh? So maybe that’s what this is. On the other hand, maybe it’s not.
So now I’m torn between being happy/terrified that I might be pregnant and being happy/terrified that I’m not.
Except that’s actually not true is it? I’m bullshitting even myself here. I wouldn’t be happy to find out I’m not, I’d be devastated. Maybe that’s what’s really keeping me awake. As my period looms ever closer (9 days and counting) the thought of not being pregnant weighs heavily on my mind. I feel like I’ve had this emptiness and longing since the day of the 12 week scan and I’m worried that I’ve been subconsciously hoping to get pregnant all this time, and finding out I’m not is going to completely unravel me. The me that I’ve worked so hard to put back together. Even if it does feel like some of the pieces don’t quite fit like they used to.